LOVE(’S) GRIEF

by Frances Vicente |
March, 2025


~ Translation by Manorama

As is the case with many of life’s experiences, we can’t fully grasp something until we live through it ourselves. This is particularly true for moments of great transformation. Whether they be joyful, (falling in love, achieving a lofty goal, creating new life) or heartbreaking (going through a divorce, losing your job, the passing of a loved one). The ups and downs take us on an emotional roller coaster and though we may understand intellectually that each of these moments is fleeting and impermanent, the challenging, painful (“duḥkha”) experiences, can feel like they linger or persist, while the happy, joyful (“sukha”) moments can seem to fly by.

When my sister passed away after a nearly 6-year long battle with brain cancer I was overcome with profound sadness and grief. My therapist told me, “The grief will last as long as the love.” and my first thought was “Oh no! That means forever!” As I sat with and contemplated what she said, it began to make total sense, because the sadness and grief are reflections of the joy and love I will always have for her. They are in fact 2 halves of a whole, 2 sides of a coin, that together they make up the fullness of human experience. If there had not been love, there would not have been sadness.

With the loss of my sister, I also discovered that there was a sum of losses; the loss of the many roles she played in my life: mentor, confidante, supporter and friend, as well as the loss of all the qualities that she brought out in me. Not only did I lose her, but who I got to be when I was with her. She was my guru in that way; inspiring me to reach my highest potential and helping me remember my truest self. And so, in times of loss we grieve not only the person, relationship, job, or dream, but also part of our identity (a sister, a husband, a doctor, a future Olympian). There’s the initial blow that can really turn our world upside-down, which eventually fades with time… Yet every now and again, like a samskära, it can resurface at unexpected moments. It is during these waves of emotion that one might recall one of the wisdom teachings of the great Sage Patañjali: vitarka-bādhane pratipakṣa-bhāvanam – “When the mind is disturbed, contemplate on the opposite.”

This does not mean attempting to replace the “negative” emotion or thought with its opposite, but rather holding space for both to co-exist. Acknowledging the sadness while recognizing the joy that it represents, that other or opposite side of the coin. This teaching can help us remember that the feeling is temporary, that its opposite can be present simultaneously, and ultimately, it can allow us to shift our perception from one to the other. Rather than being weighed down and overcome by the emotion, taking a step back to see both ends of the spectrum, observing how they are related to one another, seeing this as doorway to practice compassion towards ourselves and to cultivate grace, receptivity, space and ease. This in turn will grow our capacity to extend compassion while allowing space for grace towards others.

Without going through the lows of life, how can we truly appreciate or even recognize the highs? Without setbacks, what would fuel our hopes and aspirations? And without experiencing grief and sorrow, how can we be fully present and receptive to these same emotions in someone else? As Manorama once said, “The one who experiences loss has much to gain.” From sadness, an appreciation for joy. From life’s obstacles, optimism. From grief, empathy. The depth of our joy, the source of our hope and the expansiveness of our compassion may very well reside in our ability to move through and transform grief and loss. And perhaps, in time, we may come to terms with, and strangely even begin to “love” our grief, recognizing it as love in a different form.

Teaching Tips

  • Word for word translation of PYS II.33
    • vitarkaḥ:
      argument, reasoning, inference
      guess, conjecture, supposition, belief
      false or adverse conjecture
    • bādhane:
      harassing, oppression, annoyance, disturbance, pain
    • pratipakṣa: opposite side
      • prati:
        opposition, resistance
      • pakṣa:
        wing, side, flank
      • bhāvanam:
        meditation, contemplation, supposition, hypothesis, observing, investigating
  • Challenge students with longer holds throughout the practice, inviting them to notice their initial reaction when you say for example, “hold for 10 breaths” beforehand, or not letting them know and getting them to notice their reaction after the fact
  • Lead the students through a gratitude meditation, encouraging them to send love, thankfulness and blessings to various people they care about in their lives, bringing to mind the roles they have and what qualities they (the people) bring out of them (the students)
  • Tonglen meditation: Inhaling sadness, grief, and any other “negative” emotion for yourself and all others who may be living the same experience, exhaling the opposite, sending out joy and love for yourself and others, breathing in darkness, breathing out light
  • Inversion practice as a means of observing the world form opposite ends of the spectrum.
    Ask questions about how people think about opposites. What is the opposite of love, hate, grief, joy?
  • Applying abhāysa and vairagya: not letting oneself be defined by one emotion only, holding it, examining it and then letting the color fade through practice.
    अभ्यासवैराग्याभ्यां तान्निरोध: ॥ १.१२ ॥
ābhyāsa-vairāgyābhyāṁ tan-nirodhaḥ
    That subsidence happens through abhyāsa (practice) and vairagya (non-attachment).
  • Word for word translation of PYS I.12
    • ābhyāsaḥ:
      • repetition in general
        repeated practice or exercise, continued practice or use
        habit, custom, practice
    • vairāgyam:
      • absence of worldly desires or passions, indifference to the world, asceticism
        -ābhyām ending denotes 3rd case (instrumental) dual (by both abhyāsa and vairagya)
    • tad:
      • that (becomes tan because of a sandhi rule: any word final stop before a word-initial nasal becomes the nasal of its same mouth position)
    • nirodhaḥ:
      • restraint, check, suppression, control
  • Song suggestions: Revelations by Yoko Ono, Both Sides by Joni Mitchell, Hello Goodbye by The Beatles, Fire and Rain by James Taylor, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles

1 All definitions from The Practical Sanskrit-English Dictionary by Prin. Vaman Shivaram Apte
2 Noun case from American Sanskrit Institute Yoga Sūtra Workbook and Sanskrit Atlas by Vyaas Houston
3 Sandhi rule from Devavāṇīpraveśikā by Robert P. Goldman & Sally J. Sutherland Goldman